Seeking Truth

It has been a long time since I have posted. Thankfully, I have been distracted from writing not because of sickness or disasters of any kind, but because of pursuing some dreams. I am back in school after 33 years! The only reason I ended up back in school is because I chose to listen to my heart and not my head.

I have wanted to get my master’s degree for about 20 years now. But 20 years ago, I was swept up by life happening to me, trying to stay afloat in what felt like a tsunami at times and being happy with just surviving. Since that time, I have had a spiritual awakening and have been on a different kind of path. I believe I am the creator of my reality. Today, if my life feels like a tsunami, I KNOW it is just a reflection of my inner world.  I am grateful to KNOW this. I don’t always live it but at least I KNOW it and that is huge. Knowing this allows me to no longer be a victim to my circumstances. One of my practices for living a deliberate life, is to start each day with a stated intention.  An example of this is “Universe, I intend to help others create purposeful, happy, healthy lives. Please bring me the tools and show me the pathway to live this intention.” Then I acknowledge that this request has been granted even though I may not have received it and I say “Thank YOU!” It is like ordering something in a catalog and you give your order and your billing and shipping information and you BELIEVE that you will receive it and you excitedly wait for the delivery.  That is how my intentions work but I never know at what rate I will receive my delivery. I don’t work for the delivery company. My work is in my believing, allowing and taking inspired actions. So, there you have it… the basic blueprint of how I live my life.

In February of this year, an email caught my eye that introduced a new program called “Spirituality Mind Body Summer Intensive” in the clinical psychology department at Columbia University. Since I am a nurse and a Law of Attraction Life Coach, this was definitely something that was right up my alley. My heart was racing with excitement as I read about it; my heart saying to me “This is for you!” I told my husband about it later that day and he validated that it sounded perfect for me and was very supportive of me pursuing this. (BTW, I KNOW I am really lucky to have a husband like that!) However,  I had my own demons to confront–those little “lies” that disguise themselves as “wise words” and they sound like this: “You don’t have the money ”;  “You’re not going to get in”; “You’re not smart enough”; “You are too old”; “You are too busy.”  These “wise words,” the voice of practicality, are the “lies” we have learned to live with that have cut many of us off from living authentic, powerful lives.

Although these little demons, these “lies” showed up, I recognized them as such, and I chose to ignore them.  Instead, I listened to my heart and applied to the program.  I wrote my essay, I got my college transcript from 33 years ago and I waited. My husband shared with a few people that I had applied to school. Not everyone applauds your dreams and encourages you, not because they are ill-intentioned, but they are conditioned with “wise words” of their own. So I heard things like “What is the return on investment of getting your masters at your age?” and “WHAT will you do with THAT degree?” and “Aren’t you TOO busy already?” I have learned not to get too insulted by these kinds of statements and to realize that they are speaking from their own past conditioning.  I can choose to ignore them.  I can seek what is true for me.  So, I decided to wait and see what the Universe has in store for me.

In mid-April, I received the email from Columbia. I was accepted! My heart was racing once again, reading this email. I ran down and told my husband and daughter. My husband did not hesitate in his response “Done deal….you’re going.”  How awesome for him to be so open and supportive.  I, on the other hand, was not that kind and supportive to myself.  All the “wise words,” the practical mind talk came rushing back.  These “wise words” told me all the reasons why I should not pursue this program of study.  I had a month to make a decision. My plan was to meditate on what is “right” for me, to speak with “safe” people and to seek the truth. The next week I was sharing with a women’s support group I belong to about all the things holding me back from accepting: the money, the time commitment, my age. One of the women  who KNOWS me, came up to me after the meeting ended and first stated that she thought the program was absolutely perfect for me and then asked me “if one of your children got into a perfect program for their journey what would you advise them?” and I KNEW my answer in that moment. If I could love myself the way I love my children, I would go to this program that was made specifically for me. I accepted! For 3 weeks this summer I was in school 9 hours a day, Monday through Friday and I loved every minute of it. I KNOW it is my path and this path will open the door for other paths. Where will all these paths lead me? I have no idea, but I KNOW this: the destination is not the point. The journey, every step of it, is what matters….so do what makes your heart race, learn to recognize the “lies,” and love yourself enough to say “yes” to your heart’s desires.  What is fueling your next big decision?

9 thoughts on “Seeking Truth

  1. Your story about going back to school after so many years resonated with me. I, too, had dreamed of getting my masters degree in communications but kept putting it off. Too expensive, not enough time, not smart enough, etc. etc. The list went on and on. Then, one day I got an email from Syracuse University’s Newhouse School about their executive master’s program in Communications Management. Done! The icing on the cake was that my employer at the time footed the bill. I graduated 4 years ago and it is one of the highlights of my career. So glad I did it! Good luck on your journey!

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